I’ve been really sad lately over a couple of people I considered very good friends. Despite me sending messages and desperately trying to keep in contact I rarely hear anything back. Now, they recently adopted 3 kids and I know that’s rough and we all get busy with our lives, but I just see them slipping away. No matter how busy I try to make time for those I really care about and love. It makes me feel like they just don’t want to be my friend or I’m not good enough anymore. When they first got these kids it wasn’t like this. Something new happened. It all just makes me sad.
On another note, I’ve been drinking less, but still about 1ce a week and I’m not proud of myself. I know I could be so much better. I’ve been on an online support group and it does help, but I need to throw myself all into it. I need to go to face to face meetings. I’m a bit intimidated top go though. I need to get over that. You can’t be 100% involved with something part of the time. It really is a disease. I want to change my mentality about this. I don’t want to lose everything. Fireman is a good man, our little boy is amazing and my relationship with my father is on the mend and he knows about my problem and has been supportive. So I’m going to dive into sobriety and take it minute by minute. Today will be marked as my 1st day of sobriety. I’ve been home sick the last few days with pneumonia and I drank. I was home alone and I knew Fireman would get our son from daycare. It’s selfish, stupid and just plain crazy! I thought about drinking today and was hard not to, but I emailed the online group and prayed to God for strength. It’s a start.
I’m also stressed about work. I know my weakness is paying attention to detail. I do great until I get slammed and I get flustered. I set myself up a daily reminder on my phone to do better. Even with a doctor’s excuse I feel bad for being out sick. I worry that they’ll see I did something wrong and I’m not there to fix it or cover my ass. I don’t want to lose my job and I’m trying really hard not to fuck up. I think alcohol is the problem. Ok so I know it is. I feel like I have 1 last chance to do good with everything and I’m gonna work my ass off to achieve that. One minute at a time. Because that’s how to keep it from feeling overwhelming as I have been told.
So once again wish me luck and if you pray, pray for me and all the other week willed like me. We could all use the help.