Bottom Of THe Barrel

I feel like I’ve hit the bottom of the barrel in life.  I have no job, my relationship sucks, I’m a poor mother and I don’t have anything special to offer anyone.  I’m not bettering myself, I’m not doing great things, I’m not doing much of anything.

For the first time ever I am seriously considering taking the entire bottle of my sleeping pills and the rest of my muscle relaxers with a bottle of vodka and just going to sleep in peace tonight….for good.

I’m worthless and the few people in my life would be better off without me.  I’m 36 years old and I’m a failure at everything.  I think it’s time to give up now.  Call me a quitter.  I’ve been called worse.  Even by Fireman.  I don’t care anymore. My son will be better off with the plans I have for him in my will which I’m mailing to the 1 person I know who will follow through with it.  I have life insurance thru the end of the month so I don’t see why not at this point.

Out.


I Am Psycic

Well, probably not really, but I am extremely observant of things.

Awhile back I mentioned that I thought my boss wanted to fire me.  Well, he did.  I got a few weeks severance, the ability to file for unemployment like a loser, insurance thru the month of March for me and my son, a letter of recommendation and a hug.  I was really hoping I’d find a job before this happened.  I knew that sales were slow despite my efforts and he and his wife’s stresses with their own lives were affecting everyone around them.  He said he felt responsible for everything since he moved me up here.  He sort of is.  Now I could have gone to Atlanta like I planned before, but my fear held me back.  So in part it’s my fault too and I know that.  Everything happens for a reason supposedly, right? I met Fireman and had an adorable little boy.  Although Fireman pissed me off really good again recently.  A story for another time or tomorrow since I have all this free time now.

Am I disappointed? Yes.  Am I kinda glad I don’t work with those bitchy co-workers, his cunt of a wife and grasping at straws to keep myself busy because no one there really gives a shit about that place in the end? Absofuckinglutely! 

I’ve been sending my resume EVERYWHERE and had a couple of interviews so far.  One seems pretty promising and I really want it, but I’m still acting as if that isn’t a possibility because let’s face it, you just never know.  It would require us to relocate a couple of hours, but Fireman and I already talked about places we’d move to find a better life.  We both know this area really isn’t big enough nor have many opportunities for either of us.

So as I wait the 15 day waiting period for my former employer to reject (or not, he won’t) my unemployment claim I’m just hanging out, freaking the fuck out inside, casting a very wide net inside my industry and ones close to it and waiting.

As far as drinking you ask?  It wasn’t good the second week.  The first week I was gung-ho and ready to start a new job, but by week 2 the depression kicked in.  Even right now I could go for some wine, but I chose to write instead while both the boys sleep.  Yes, my little man is out of day care right now.  I let him go the first week after I was laid off so I could do what I need to do to get back on track, but I can’t afford all that shit right now.

The drinking led to a huge fight between me and Fireman.  Hell, he instigated it. He was being a real dick as if I needed more bullshit in my life.  I suppose my stress rubbed off on him a little. Our fight was so bad that it made me call the cops to just get him away from me.   That was a bad idea.  The cop was such a dick he threatened to arrest me and send my son away and I was being nice.  So as I’ve said before, I’ll say it again, FUCK THE POLICE.  What a giant stink bag of poopy dog vomit group those mother fuckers are.  Even now when I see a cop whether I’m driving or not and am not even close to breaking a law I get nervous like they’re going to harass me and try to arrest me.

So that’s been my Murphy filled life the past 2 weeks.  Oh ya, after paying off all my debt I got a $2500 bill for my son getting tubes put in his ears and I dropped my new phone and am awaiting on a new screen to come in.

I’m bound and determined to make this all work.  I really don’t want to ask my dad for money, but I will if need be.

*BIG SIGH*


Encouragement

I am willing to forgive myself for any prior stupidity and that’s the first step.  I will feel much better if I don’t take any more steps backwards.  I think I’ve been standing still mostly.  I am asking for words of encouragement and any tips or stories you have to keep myself on a non-drinking path.

Anything, really.

Sometimes hearing things from people you already know isn’t enough.  Give me your best stuff in the comments below or email me at confessionsofasingleblonde@live.com if you want to keep anything on the down low.  No fucked up, sexual bullshit either please.

Some of you have had to have gone through what I have or currently are.

 


Play Date

I had a new friend whom I met on a mommy meet up site over Saturday with her son who is my son’s age. I really like her and her son is a doll. My son, however was quite the Alpha. I’ve spent so much time worrying about him getting picked on I didn’t think about him being the rough one. I apologized to her and said next time we’ll have to be on their turf so my son isn’t too comfortable and acts like an ass.

Other than that, I made us a nice lunch and she brought over baby clothes given to her that she went through and now I will have to go through it and pass it on to the next. It’s a nice and very inexpensive way to clothe your child. She also brought over wine and a coloring book, which I thought was supper sweet.

Hopefully the fact that I drank wine and wore basic, fine to wear out in public (Wal-Mart) to run errands, comfy clothes, no make-up and my glasses didn’t put her off. Ever since I dealt with those insecure cunts a while back I’m afraid my strong personality would cause the same effect again, especially now with a child that apparently likes to play rough with her precious little one. I’m a good person and so is my son and anyone who really knows me, knows that. I’m a lot of fun, honest and as helpful as I can be, but some people just can’t hang around me I guess.  Aside from drinking I don’t feel the need to change who I am though.  I wanted to be comfy at my house.  I had a long week.

As redundant as it is for me to say, I really need to do better with my drinking. When Fireman is home and I know I’m not going anywhere and after a grueling week I just feel I deserve it. I’ve said before that I’ve clocked in enough bar hours for 5 lifetimes and I have clocked in enough at home drinking hours for 5 lifetimes too. It needs to stop. That’s what it is like though to have an addictive personality. You find reasons to be bad.

I need to find new ways to occupy my time. Now that I have a few extra bucks from my tax refund after I paid off all my outstanding bills (*pats self on back*) and bought a new phone and some household things I need to just buy some weed. I love weed. It’s so much better for you than alcohol too.

*SIGH* Back to the beginning.


G.A.D.

General Anxiety Disorder. I have it. Sometimes I feel almost psychic and sometimes I just give myself a headache worrying about shit I shouldn’t. There’s a saying (I forgot who) that says, “Do not worry about the things you cannot change, because if you can’t change them it makes no sense to worry about them. And don’t worry about the things you can change, because if you can change them it makes no sense to worry about them.” Great advise, but much easier said than done for me.

I worry if I’m being a good parent. I worry about telling alcohol to fuck off (I still drink on a Friday or Saturday, but that’s better than 3-4 times a week). I worry that I’m going to get fired because my boss would rather do sales himself and not pay another employee. I worry that I’m not good enough for my sweet Fireman. I worry, I worry, I worry.

I can’t stop over thinking.

That’s all I’ve got for now other than I want to put out to the Universe for a heap of good luck and good vibes today (and the rest of the year while we’re at it). I truly hope things work out the way they’re suppose to AND the way I’d like them too. I’m not asking for much, just a little nudge in the right direction.

I don’t do it often, but I pray for strength and to be the best I can be. As Dexter would say, “I need to leave my dark passenger behind and let the light in.”


I Fell Off

I won’t get into details, but I fell off the wagon again.

I do so well for a few days, even a week and then I drink again. I don’t want to get to a point where something really bad happens before I stop altogether.

So this is me on day 2 on the wagon.

If anyone has advise (I mean someone who has been through exactly what I’ve been through, not a smart ass cunty answer) feel free to comment below.

Thanks much!
COASB


Crutch?/WTF Am I Doing?/Compensating?

So since I spoke to my father for the first time in like 8 years we have spoken 1ce more since then and I also added him onto my Facebook as an acquaintance (he doesn’t get to see everything).  Now, I know I said I wouldn’t, but the lack of a mother kind of pushed me in this direction.  Don’t get me wrong, I have so many wonderful people in my life to fulfill my needs.  However, if you’re in a boat like me and don’t have parents around, especially after having a child of your own, it feels weird.  Lonely.

So it’s true, I may be using this as a crutch for my non-existent mother.  My father is the consolation prize.  I never want to be alone with him and I will never have a real father/daughter relationship with him like a lot of people do, but this’ll work.  My precious little boy will get 1 more present every year; I may get a few bucks out of it as well and I can honestly say that I have 1 parent that’s around in our lives.

A little bonus prize is that my father is so happy that I am speaking to him again that he will never bring up anything uncomfortable and I never have to worry about him giving me anything (money or otherwise) in exchange for more phone calls or a closer relationship.  I say this because he’s done it before.  Because as soon as he gets weird, if he does, and crosses any lines he can say goodbye to me and his only grandchild.  I did it before and I’ll do it again.  I don’t really need him or his money in my life, but it does fill a small hole.  I can completely understand the void one feels without having at least 1 parent in their life.

Speaking of parents, apparently after not speaking to him for 5 years when my mother did call him for money he said she asked for $17,000.  You read that right; seventeen thousand dollars!  I believe it.  I kind of think he did give her something in exchange for my old address.  I really don’t want to have that conversation with him though nor deal in family drama.  Before she told me to fuck off I tried talking to my mom about all of that and she just hung up on me.  Mind you, I wasn’t arguing with her.  I was just trying to have a conversation and find out exactly what in the hell was going on.

So we shall see how this goes.  I’m not going to lie; even though the conversations with my father and letting him back into my life have so far been calm, cordial and nice I fell off the wagon a bit.  I’ve been doing so good at just drinking 1ce a week and tipped it a little further back than I should have.  Even when I think nothing is bothering me my sub conscious know better.  Now that I realize this, I’m back on the wagon and taking it 1 day at a time.  I really wish they’d hurry up and legalize pot in my state already.  It would make it SO much easier.

On a side note: Lover has been posting a lot on Facebook how he’s getting into shape and eating better.  I can only guess women aren’t that interested in fat-ish and balding like they use to.  I’ve noticed that he’s quite desperate for attention.  He even sent me an email asking if I called him the other night.  He said he was asleep and missed a call.  Um…no.  I didn’t.  And how could you not know who called you in this day and age?  I mean, really?!  I kind of feel bad for him.  Kind of, but not really.


Resolutions

Surprisingly I did not get shit-faced drunk on New Year’s.  I mean, there was vodka involved, but I managed to keep it at a decent pace and stayed up till 12:30.  I made us a rather large dinner on New Year’s Eve; crab legs, chicken stir fry, brown rice, pepperoni cheese rolls, bread sticks and cookies (pre made/cut and bake, of course).  It was also our 2 year anniversary.  Suffice it to say, I got laid. Yeah!

Fireman and I watched the ball drop, did a shot and kissed at midnight with all the hopes of a fresh new year to come.  It was a pleasant evening.

I have not drank anything since.

I have 95% of the time used my new vaporizer (fancy eCigarette) since then and have started my detox/cleanse (lots of Green and Dandelion Tea, no sugar).

Those are my 3 resolutions: No drinking (maybe 1ce every other weekend), no cigarettes (I only smoked a 1/2 pack a day at most anyway) and get rid of this fucking baby belly.  I usually don’t do resolutions, I just keep trying to be the best I can be, but with a real family I think it’s time to set some goals for myself.

I’m pretty confident I can do all 3.  I don’t miss hangovers and sleep much better just on my meds.  I really like the eCig and on warmer days I do go walking.  I just have to watch what I eat and weigh myself every day which really isn’t hard for me since I use to do all of that all the time anyway before I became a parent.

I feel renewed and a sense of balance for whatever reason.  I don’t miss one bit my crazy “hey days”.  As I said before, “I have clocked in enough bar hours for 5 lifetimes.”

I’m also really looking forward to Fireman’s birthday next weekend.  My work mama is going to babysit and I’m taking him out on a real date to a hibachi dinner.  Maybe even a 1 bar, bar hop on the way home.  We need a real date and baby free time.  It has been WAY too long.

Now I will sit here and take a few breaths and go on about my new day.  Sometimes, I really like change.

k12392311


What The Hell

Fireman doesn’t understand what it’s like for me to not have a normal family.  He says we’re the only family that matters and as sweet as it is it’s still difficult for me to process not having a mom and dad like most people.

My grandmother called me Christmas day and I answered.  I let her hear the baby jibber jabber and talked to her for a few minutes.  Maybe it was the wine in me, but I obliged to call my father.

For the first time since Halloween 2005 I called.  He cried.  I didn’t feel bad at all.  He’s still a monster to me.  A delusional one at that.  I refused to give him my address.  I talked to make him feel better I guess and it was my way of letting him know that I forgive him for all his sins.  It doesn’t mean we’re all buddy-buddy now or anything, but it was a small gesture to clear my conscience.

I also got to find out what a 2 faced cunt my mother really is.  Apparently she told him about my divorce and all kinds of shit.  Now I wish I hadn’t sent her a Christmas card at all.  Not that it really mattered to her.  She didn’t send us a card or call or anything.  As a mom I cannot fathom how one can do such a thing to their only child.  Perhaps I am better off without her and hearing about her smack talking really helped me close the book on her.

I drank.  I know I said I wouldn’t, but I did.  I feel bad.  The fact I  slept so much Christmas day kinda ruined it for Fireman.  The morning was great!  I made cinnamon rolls, we opened presents, we had fun.  Then that phone call came and……well I didn’t handle it all as well as I could’ve.  The 1 small bottle of wine I was to have turned into vodka when that was empty.  I don’t know how to explain it to Fireman.  How to explain what my dysfunctional family does to me and how I can be so weak in dealing with it.  He thinks it’s as simple as “get over it”.  I wish it were that easy.

So now I’m back to day 1 of no drinking.  If I can make it through this weekend I can make it longer.  I just have to think like I did when I was pregnant.  Wish me luck…..again!


Shits n Giggles

Not much new for me right now.

My mom never sent us a Christmas card even though I sent her one nor has she called.  In one of my crazy, vivid dreams that I have on my medication I remembered that shortly after she told me that she asked my dad for money and he told her he would only give her money if she got me to call his crazy, abusive ass, (to which I didn’t) that’s when she wrote me off.  Fireman says that we’re the most important family, but damnit if it doesn’t hurt like hell anyway.  I know the truth, but that doesn’t stop any pain in my heart.

I haven’t heard 1 fucking peep from a job prospect.

I fell way off the wagon Friday and Saturday night and have come to the conclusion that I am to never drink again.  I’ve pulled it back to either Friday or Saturday night (or in this rare case both nights), but that has to stop too.  I read an article by a lady with 2 kids who realized her drinking problem, what it did to her husband and kids and finally managed to stop drinking when her kids were about 3 and 5 (I think).  Her words really hit home.  I don’t need to wait that long though.  If I can make it all workweek without a sip I surely can make it an entire 7 days.  If I can make 7 days I can make 14, 21, 28…  Besides, I have a prescription sleep aid, muscle relaxer and Prozac.  I can do this.

As pathetic as it is, this is what’s going on with me.  Perhaps the whole no parents thing around the holidays is causing me to be extra sad.  I remember my father being quite the douche around Christmas.  Maybe I inherited that from his in a less psychotic and violent way.  Then again, Fireman and I  did get into it Saturday because I slept a lot.  He had a point.  I also shouldn’t use things like that as an excuse.  I’m 36.  I’m an adult.  I know better.

So that’s my post just for shits n giggles.  Writing is my therapy.


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