People Come, People Go

I’ve been really sad lately over a couple of people I considered very good friends. Despite me sending messages and desperately trying to keep in contact I rarely hear anything back. Now, they recently adopted 3 kids and I know that’s rough and we all get busy with our lives, but I just see them slipping away. No matter how busy I try to make time for those I really care about and love. It makes me feel like they just don’t want to be my friend or I’m not good enough anymore. When they first got these kids it wasn’t like this. Something new happened. It all just makes me sad.

On another note, I’ve been drinking less, but still about 1ce a week and I’m not proud of myself. I know I could be so much better. I’ve been on an online support group and it does help, but I need to throw myself all into it. I need to go to face to face meetings. I’m a bit intimidated top go though. I need to get over that. You can’t be 100% involved with something part of the time. It really is a disease. I want to change my mentality about this. I don’t want to lose everything. Fireman is a good man, our little boy is amazing and my relationship with my father is on the mend and he knows about my problem and has been supportive. So I’m going to dive into sobriety and take it minute by minute. Today will be marked as my 1st day of sobriety. I’ve been home sick the last few days with pneumonia and I drank. I was home alone and I knew Fireman would get our son from daycare. It’s selfish, stupid and just plain crazy!  I thought about drinking today and was hard not to, but I emailed the online group and prayed to God for strength. It’s a start.

I’m also stressed about work. I know my weakness is paying attention to detail. I do great until I get slammed and I get flustered. I set myself up a daily reminder on my phone to do better. Even with a doctor’s excuse I feel bad for being out sick. I worry that they’ll see I did something wrong and I’m not there to fix it or cover my ass. I don’t want to lose my job and I’m trying really hard not to fuck up. I think alcohol is the problem. Ok so I know it is. I feel like I have 1 last chance to do good with everything and I’m gonna work my ass off to achieve that. One minute at a time. Because that’s how to keep it from feeling overwhelming as I have been told.

So once again wish me luck and if you pray, pray for me and all the other week willed like me. We could all use the help.


Coincidental

So I was thinking about lover last night for the first time in awhile (he’s my masturbation material) and out of the blue he sent me a I.m.  Now, it was totally benign, but still I find it odd that it happened. We had totally benign conversion, yet I still felt that “fuck me now” undertone to the whole thing.


To Elaborate….

When I said before that Fireman did not move to my new location with me, there was a bit more to it. Of course it was alcohol induced. We both drank and got into a huge fight. I left with my son to a friend’s house for the night and had a good time without him. When I came back home I went back to bed for a few hours, cuz you know, hangover. When I woke up his mom and uncle were there loading all his shit up into their cars. He had enough. As did I. I was tired of the whole fucking thing.

He barely worked and paid his half of the bills and food. Never got anything for our son and was, to me, a lazy sack of monkey shit that I couldn’t take any more. He is whiny too.

So with the help of friends my son and I moved. Actually, my ex-husband that I’m still friends with came down at the last-minute and helped us load up the U-Haul along with a few friends. My girlfriend, Dancer, and I shared the truck since she just so happened to be moving in the same direction as me, but a 45 minute exit before mine. I am very lucky to have the few, but spectacular friends in my life.

I really enjoyed being alone and it just being me and my beautiful son. I had less stress and less of a shit mess to clean up all the time. I felt renewed. Meanwhile Fireman did home improvements at his mom’s basically rent free, albeit miserable as he should have been. He did however get some other things in his life straightened out. Things that have nothing to do with me like his DUI class and getting the child support for his other kids straightened out. We talked every day, but it took about 2 months before we finally got to more of an understanding with each other. We had visited each other a couple of times during that 3 1/2 month period and at one point I gave him an ultimatum. Get your shit together, move here with us or we’re done. I’m not “taking a break” for 6 months or a year. Fuck that! So, he did just that. I made him clean house until he got a job. I gave him 1 week to do that. He did get a decent paying job in less than a week and is like the new and improved Fireman.

There are still a few tweaks each of us are making here and there. I only drink 1ce a week on Friday or Saturday and try to understand his side of things and he does the same while keeping up with his half of the house work and actually buying groceries. He got his first full paycheck recently and seeing that made him feel better about himself and has taken a renewed pride in his life. It’s nice to see.

So that, my friends is the story.

P.S. I tried to put some funny pictures in here, but WP won’t let me for some reason so no pretty pictures for you!


To Make A Long Story Short

I’ve been off the grid for a bit.  I know.  Sorry.

Anywho….Last time I wrote I was in the pits of depression.  Since then I found a new, better, greater job, relocated to a much larger area and am happy for the first time in a while.  Fireman didn’t move with me at first cuz he was being a pussy, but he finally got his shit together, got a well paying job and is with me and little man now and things are going well.  I gave him an ultimatum.  Get it together and man up or fuck off!   As long as I fuck him every few days he’s putty in my hands.  Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE sex, but sometimes I’m not in the mood after a long day.  However, I do what I can and as long as I can do that it makes my life now much easier.

I really don’t know what else to say for now, but rest assured I will be back on this grid regularly once again.  I miss writing.  I miss you guys.  I have plenty of stories to tell.  I just need to write them.  I just wanted to touch base and say HELLO Y’ALL! 


Bottom Of THe Barrel

I feel like I’ve hit the bottom of the barrel in life.  I have no job, my relationship sucks, I’m a poor mother and I don’t have anything special to offer anyone.  I’m not bettering myself, I’m not doing great things, I’m not doing much of anything.

For the first time ever I am seriously considering taking the entire bottle of my sleeping pills and the rest of my muscle relaxers with a bottle of vodka and just going to sleep in peace tonight….for good.

I’m worthless and the few people in my life would be better off without me.  I’m 36 years old and I’m a failure at everything.  I think it’s time to give up now.  Call me a quitter.  I’ve been called worse.  Even by Fireman.  I don’t care anymore. My son will be better off with the plans I have for him in my will which I’m mailing to the 1 person I know who will follow through with it.  I have life insurance thru the end of the month so I don’t see why not at this point.

Out.


I Am Psycic

Well, probably not really, but I am extremely observant of things.

Awhile back I mentioned that I thought my boss wanted to fire me.  Well, he did.  I got a few weeks severance, the ability to file for unemployment like a loser, insurance thru the month of March for me and my son, a letter of recommendation and a hug.  I was really hoping I’d find a job before this happened.  I knew that sales were slow despite my efforts and he and his wife’s stresses with their own lives were affecting everyone around them.  He said he felt responsible for everything since he moved me up here.  He sort of is.  Now I could have gone to Atlanta like I planned before, but my fear held me back.  So in part it’s my fault too and I know that.  Everything happens for a reason supposedly, right? I met Fireman and had an adorable little boy.  Although Fireman pissed me off really good again recently.  A story for another time or tomorrow since I have all this free time now.

Am I disappointed? Yes.  Am I kinda glad I don’t work with those bitchy co-workers, his cunt of a wife and grasping at straws to keep myself busy because no one there really gives a shit about that place in the end? Absofuckinglutely! 

I’ve been sending my resume EVERYWHERE and had a couple of interviews so far.  One seems pretty promising and I really want it, but I’m still acting as if that isn’t a possibility because let’s face it, you just never know.  It would require us to relocate a couple of hours, but Fireman and I already talked about places we’d move to find a better life.  We both know this area really isn’t big enough nor have many opportunities for either of us.

So as I wait the 15 day waiting period for my former employer to reject (or not, he won’t) my unemployment claim I’m just hanging out, freaking the fuck out inside, casting a very wide net inside my industry and ones close to it and waiting.

As far as drinking you ask?  It wasn’t good the second week.  The first week I was gung-ho and ready to start a new job, but by week 2 the depression kicked in.  Even right now I could go for some wine, but I chose to write instead while both the boys sleep.  Yes, my little man is out of day care right now.  I let him go the first week after I was laid off so I could do what I need to do to get back on track, but I can’t afford all that shit right now.

The drinking led to a huge fight between me and Fireman.  Hell, he instigated it. He was being a real dick as if I needed more bullshit in my life.  I suppose my stress rubbed off on him a little. Our fight was so bad that it made me call the cops to just get him away from me.   That was a bad idea.  The cop was such a dick he threatened to arrest me and send my son away and I was being nice.  So as I’ve said before, I’ll say it again, FUCK THE POLICE.  What a giant stink bag of poopy dog vomit group those mother fuckers are.  Even now when I see a cop whether I’m driving or not and am not even close to breaking a law I get nervous like they’re going to harass me and try to arrest me.

So that’s been my Murphy filled life the past 2 weeks.  Oh ya, after paying off all my debt I got a $2500 bill for my son getting tubes put in his ears and I dropped my new phone and am awaiting on a new screen to come in.

I’m bound and determined to make this all work.  I really don’t want to ask my dad for money, but I will if need be.

*BIG SIGH*


Encouragement

I am willing to forgive myself for any prior stupidity and that’s the first step.  I will feel much better if I don’t take any more steps backwards.  I think I’ve been standing still mostly.  I am asking for words of encouragement and any tips or stories you have to keep myself on a non-drinking path.

Anything, really.

Sometimes hearing things from people you already know isn’t enough.  Give me your best stuff in the comments below or email me at confessionsofasingleblonde@live.com if you want to keep anything on the down low.  No fucked up, sexual bullshit either please.

Some of you have had to have gone through what I have or currently are.

 


Play Date

I had a new friend whom I met on a mommy meet up site over Saturday with her son who is my son’s age. I really like her and her son is a doll. My son, however was quite the Alpha. I’ve spent so much time worrying about him getting picked on I didn’t think about him being the rough one. I apologized to her and said next time we’ll have to be on their turf so my son isn’t too comfortable and acts like an ass.

Other than that, I made us a nice lunch and she brought over baby clothes given to her that she went through and now I will have to go through it and pass it on to the next. It’s a nice and very inexpensive way to clothe your child. She also brought over wine and a coloring book, which I thought was supper sweet.

Hopefully the fact that I drank wine and wore basic, fine to wear out in public (Wal-Mart) to run errands, comfy clothes, no make-up and my glasses didn’t put her off. Ever since I dealt with those insecure cunts a while back I’m afraid my strong personality would cause the same effect again, especially now with a child that apparently likes to play rough with her precious little one. I’m a good person and so is my son and anyone who really knows me, knows that. I’m a lot of fun, honest and as helpful as I can be, but some people just can’t hang around me I guess.  Aside from drinking I don’t feel the need to change who I am though.  I wanted to be comfy at my house.  I had a long week.

As redundant as it is for me to say, I really need to do better with my drinking. When Fireman is home and I know I’m not going anywhere and after a grueling week I just feel I deserve it. I’ve said before that I’ve clocked in enough bar hours for 5 lifetimes and I have clocked in enough at home drinking hours for 5 lifetimes too. It needs to stop. That’s what it is like though to have an addictive personality. You find reasons to be bad.

I need to find new ways to occupy my time. Now that I have a few extra bucks from my tax refund after I paid off all my outstanding bills (*pats self on back*) and bought a new phone and some household things I need to just buy some weed. I love weed. It’s so much better for you than alcohol too.

*SIGH* Back to the beginning.


G.A.D.

General Anxiety Disorder. I have it. Sometimes I feel almost psychic and sometimes I just give myself a headache worrying about shit I shouldn’t. There’s a saying (I forgot who) that says, “Do not worry about the things you cannot change, because if you can’t change them it makes no sense to worry about them. And don’t worry about the things you can change, because if you can change them it makes no sense to worry about them.” Great advise, but much easier said than done for me.

I worry if I’m being a good parent. I worry about telling alcohol to fuck off (I still drink on a Friday or Saturday, but that’s better than 3-4 times a week). I worry that I’m going to get fired because my boss would rather do sales himself and not pay another employee. I worry that I’m not good enough for my sweet Fireman. I worry, I worry, I worry.

I can’t stop over thinking.

That’s all I’ve got for now other than I want to put out to the Universe for a heap of good luck and good vibes today (and the rest of the year while we’re at it). I truly hope things work out the way they’re suppose to AND the way I’d like them too. I’m not asking for much, just a little nudge in the right direction.

I don’t do it often, but I pray for strength and to be the best I can be. As Dexter would say, “I need to leave my dark passenger behind and let the light in.”


I Fell Off

I won’t get into details, but I fell off the wagon again.

I do so well for a few days, even a week and then I drink again. I don’t want to get to a point where something really bad happens before I stop altogether.

So this is me on day 2 on the wagon.

If anyone has advise (I mean someone who has been through exactly what I’ve been through, not a smart ass cunty answer) feel free to comment below.

Thanks much!
COASB


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