I Am Fully Aware

I’m aware of the fact that a small handful of times, always during “cocktail hour”, that I have told someone I know, whether directly or indirectly, about my blog.  I realize that they may know I’m talking about them or someone they know.  I know that although I keep my real identity out of this and never give any names unless it’s a generic first name or give out anything too specific like where they live, that once you put yourself out there, it’s out there for life.  And I would like to say that, NOT A SINGLE SHIT IS GIVEN.

Here’s the thing; I use this blog as a diary and as a way for other people to know that they are not the only ones who go through some of the same things I have in the past or present and also, to share some funny dating horror stories. They can judge and talk shit all they want.  I’m still a good person, I’m still a good Mommy (my son is sweet as can be and developmentally surpasses where he’s supposed to be at his age) and I’m happier than most with my life.  Sure, I have issues, but so does everyone else. Sure, I’ve done dumb shit, but so have they. They may act like they’re so great and everything is perfect, but I think we all know better.  In fact, did you know that the people who make it a point to show everyone how perfect their life is and has been are the ones who are the worst off and have the most issues? Yuppers! It’s true. They’re insecure and require making others feel a little bad inside to make themselves feel good.  They may not always realize that though.  I’d like to think that I’m very self aware and try to be conscience of my actions toward others.  Not that I always am, but the effort is there the majority of the time.

“Judge not, lest ye be judged.” Or something like that.

Yes, I too make comments about obnoxious little shits or what not.  We can all be a little judge-y at times and if you say you’re not, you’re lying.  I try to see things from others’ point of view.  I really do.  I’d rather vent on here than say something to someone’s face whilst unbeknownst to me they’re going through financial trouble or their wife is getting ready to leave them or something.  However, I will stand up for myself and say something to their face if I need to.  When I was younger I was a total push over and bullied, but now you better watch your ass if you try and pull that crap with me.

I will say this, I’m much harder on myself than I should be and in my head see things as worse than they are and it comes out in my writing.  I overanalyze to a fault.  Writing does help me work through those things.  Sometimes we need a hard slap in the face with a chair to get our shit together. Whether we give it to ourselves or someone else does it.

My point is, I know what I’m doing.  Mistakes aside I still am aware of all things.  So please, keep reading.  I LOVE seeing the high stats and I truly hope this makes you feel better about yourself.

Baby Steps

I’ve been making progress on myself. My new Year’s resolution was to take better care of myself and I’ve been doing just that.  I only drink 1ce a week and only with Fireman on a weekend night.

I still don’t miss Facebook.  I’ve emailed a few people on it and only a couple have responded.  I’ve come to the realization that the past should stay in the past for the most part.  One guy, I don’t even know why I emailed him in the first place when I deleted my account months ago, I have not emailed since.  When I originally sent the email his reply was basically, “I wish I could find something else other than Facebook, but I have too many fiends on there to quit”.  What the fuck is that supposed to mean?  You’re so popular or I don’t have many friends?  Whatever.  I was being nice, but frankly he’s a tea party douchebag who feels he should have a say on the uterus of women he doesn’t even know with a Napoleon Complex.  I HATE little guys!  They think they’re being tough, but their insecurity is palpable.  Another guy seems like he’d like to cheat on his wife with me either via online or in person in hopes that if I ever return to the God awful state of South Carolina for a visit  we could meet up.  Um, no.  Fireman can be a bit of a doof, but he’s my doof and I have no intentions of cheating on him.  I’m still very much attracted to him after 3 years.  We’ve been through a lot, but I know I can trust him and he’s a good daddy.

I’ve recently had thoughts of revenge on people from my past. A couple of ex’s and some old school bullies.  I even have a plan to call them out online anonymously and it not being traced back to me in any way.  Let’s just say another computer whilst in another state  on the vacation I will be taking soon with my beautiful, fat tax refund.  Alas, I digress.  It’s just a waste of space in my head and I can just vent on here and keep them anonymous. Seeing their name on anything  in any capacity would just feed their narcissistic minds.

That’s all for now, folks!  My mini-me just woke up from his nap.

Hello, My Name Is…

CoaSB (for the purpose of this blog it is) and I’m an alcoholic. I’m writing to keep myself from going to the liquor store on this extra day off that we were given from work. It’s tempting to drink. I have nothing to do really, my son is at day care and why not? No. I will not give into temptation. I have to remind myself that I’m an asshole when I drink. I have to remind myself that I drank yesterday and made Fireman’s Christmas a bit shitty. He woke me up from my nap so I could cook our dinner and that did not sit well with drunk me. I have started a 28 day program online and awaiting a call back from a place that does alcohol specific counseling locally. I need a professional to help me understand why I drink, how to deal with temptation and get me back to the old me. I should go to AA, but the idea of being that open in a room of strangers scares me. I need to start 1 on 1 with someone. I’ve known I have a problem, but now I know I cannot do it alone. It’s time to put on my big girl panties and be active in getting help. Sure, I’m strong enough; I had no issue quitting drinking when I was pregnant. Getting pregnant again isn’t an option and what’s going to happen when I’m not knocked up anymore?

If anyone understands where I’m at or has any advise, feel free to speak up. Kindly. I really want to be at my biggest potential. I really want to be free from addiction and I realize that since there are alcoholics in my family that part of it is hereditary. I learned that from a book my dad gave me called, “Under The Influence”. It’s an interesting read and helps to put the scare in you by giving you medical information on what it does to you physically and mentally. I need that kind of fear. All these things I’ve been reading, the learn to be stress free CD I have on repeat in my car and the daily affirmations I try to read every day have helped me cut back on drinking, but I need more help than that and I am finally ready I think to throw myself in this 100%.  I’ve always said that I’m an “all or nothing” kind of girl and I’ve got the “all” part down so now I need to get the “nothing” part down.  I’m disappointed in myself and I have a lot of self-hatred going on.  I’m very close to losing my Fireman if I don’t change right now. I’ve also gained weight and my skin is horribly dry.  The last time I got sick it stayed for 2 months because I smoke and my body is falling apart from drinking.  Seriously, my doctor told me I have asthma and I only smoke 5 a day, unless I’ve been drinking, of course.

I will try to write more often on here to keep myself busy. It’s a nice option since it’s cold as shit outside. I’ll reach back in my memory to share some good dating stories so I don’t bore you with my current struggles.

Now I have to find something else to do other than go to the liquor store.

People Come, People Go

I’ve been really sad lately over a couple of people I considered very good friends. Despite me sending messages and desperately trying to keep in contact I rarely hear anything back. Now, they recently adopted 3 kids and I know that’s rough and we all get busy with our lives, but I just see them slipping away. No matter how busy I try to make time for those I really care about and love. It makes me feel like they just don’t want to be my friend or I’m not good enough anymore. When they first got these kids it wasn’t like this. Something new happened. It all just makes me sad.

On another note, I’ve been drinking less, but still about 1ce a week and I’m not proud of myself. I know I could be so much better. I’ve been on an online support group and it does help, but I need to throw myself all into it. I need to go to face to face meetings. I’m a bit intimidated top go though. I need to get over that. You can’t be 100% involved with something part of the time. It really is a disease. I want to change my mentality about this. I don’t want to lose everything. Fireman is a good man, our little boy is amazing and my relationship with my father is on the mend and he knows about my problem and has been supportive. So I’m going to dive into sobriety and take it minute by minute. Today will be marked as my 1st day of sobriety. I’ve been home sick the last few days with pneumonia and I drank. I was home alone and I knew Fireman would get our son from daycare. It’s selfish, stupid and just plain crazy!  I thought about drinking today and was hard not to, but I emailed the online group and prayed to God for strength. It’s a start.

I’m also stressed about work. I know my weakness is paying attention to detail. I do great until I get slammed and I get flustered. I set myself up a daily reminder on my phone to do better. Even with a doctor’s excuse I feel bad for being out sick. I worry that they’ll see I did something wrong and I’m not there to fix it or cover my ass. I don’t want to lose my job and I’m trying really hard not to fuck up. I think alcohol is the problem. Ok so I know it is. I feel like I have 1 last chance to do good with everything and I’m gonna work my ass off to achieve that. One minute at a time. Because that’s how to keep it from feeling overwhelming as I have been told.

So once again wish me luck and if you pray, pray for me and all the other weak willed like me. We could all use the help.


So I was thinking about lover last night for the first time in awhile (he’s my masturbation material) and out of the blue he sent me a I.m.  Now, it was totally benign, but still I find it odd that it happened. We had totally benign conversion, yet I still felt that “fuck me now” undertone to the whole thing.

To Elaborate….

When I said before that Fireman did not move to my new location with me, there was a bit more to it. Of course it was alcohol induced. We both drank and got into a huge fight. I left with my son to a friend’s house for the night and had a good time without him. When I came back home I went back to bed for a few hours, cuz you know, hangover. When I woke up his mom and uncle were there loading all his shit up into their cars. He had enough. As did I. I was tired of the whole fucking thing.

He barely worked and paid his half of the bills and food. Never got anything for our son and was, to me, a lazy sack of monkey shit that I couldn’t take any more. He is whiny too.

So with the help of friends my son and I moved. Actually, my ex-husband that I’m still friends with came down at the last-minute and helped us load up the U-Haul along with a few friends. My girlfriend, Dancer, and I shared the truck since she just so happened to be moving in the same direction as me, but a 45 minute exit before mine. I am very lucky to have the few, but spectacular friends in my life.

I really enjoyed being alone and it just being me and my beautiful son. I had less stress and less of a shit mess to clean up all the time. I felt renewed. Meanwhile Fireman did home improvements at his mom’s basically rent free, albeit miserable as he should have been. He did however get some other things in his life straightened out. Things that have nothing to do with me like his DUI class and getting the child support for his other kids straightened out. We talked every day, but it took about 2 months before we finally got to more of an understanding with each other. We had visited each other a couple of times during that 3 1/2 month period and at one point I gave him an ultimatum. Get your shit together, move here with us or we’re done. I’m not “taking a break” for 6 months or a year. Fuck that! So, he did just that. I made him clean house until he got a job. I gave him 1 week to do that. He did get a decent paying job in less than a week and is like the new and improved Fireman.

There are still a few tweaks each of us are making here and there. I only drink 1ce a week on Friday or Saturday and try to understand his side of things and he does the same while keeping up with his half of the house work and actually buying groceries. He got his first full paycheck recently and seeing that made him feel better about himself and has taken a renewed pride in his life. It’s nice to see.

So that, my friends is the story.

P.S. I tried to put some funny pictures in here, but WP won’t let me for some reason so no pretty pictures for you!

To Make A Long Story Short

I’ve been off the grid for a bit.  I know.  Sorry.

Anywho….Last time I wrote I was in the pits of depression.  Since then I found a new, better, greater job, relocated to a much larger area and am happy for the first time in a while.  Fireman didn’t move with me at first cuz he was being a pussy, but he finally got his shit together, got a well paying job and is with me and little man now and things are going well.  I gave him an ultimatum.  Get it together and man up or fuck off!   As long as I fuck him every few days he’s putty in my hands.  Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE sex, but sometimes I’m not in the mood after a long day.  However, I do what I can and as long as I can do that it makes my life now much easier.

I really don’t know what else to say for now, but rest assured I will be back on this grid regularly once again.  I miss writing.  I miss you guys.  I have plenty of stories to tell.  I just need to write them.  I just wanted to touch base and say HELLO Y’ALL! 

Bottom Of THe Barrel

I feel like I’ve hit the bottom of the barrel in life.  I have no job, my relationship sucks, I’m a poor mother and I don’t have anything special to offer anyone.  I’m not bettering myself, I’m not doing great things, I’m not doing much of anything.

For the first time ever I am seriously considering taking the entire bottle of my sleeping pills and the rest of my muscle relaxers with a bottle of vodka and just going to sleep in peace tonight….for good.

I’m worthless and the few people in my life would be better off without me.  I’m 36 years old and I’m a failure at everything.  I think it’s time to give up now.  Call me a quitter.  I’ve been called worse.  Even by Fireman.  I don’t care anymore. My son will be better off with the plans I have for him in my will which I’m mailing to the 1 person I know who will follow through with it.  I have life insurance thru the end of the month so I don’t see why not at this point.


I Am Psycic

Well, probably not really, but I am extremely observant of things.

Awhile back I mentioned that I thought my boss wanted to fire me.  Well, he did.  I got a few weeks severance, the ability to file for unemployment like a loser, insurance thru the month of March for me and my son, a letter of recommendation and a hug.  I was really hoping I’d find a job before this happened.  I knew that sales were slow despite my efforts and he and his wife’s stresses with their own lives were affecting everyone around them.  He said he felt responsible for everything since he moved me up here.  He sort of is.  Now I could have gone to Atlanta like I planned before, but my fear held me back.  So in part it’s my fault too and I know that.  Everything happens for a reason supposedly, right? I met Fireman and had an adorable little boy.  Although Fireman pissed me off really good again recently.  A story for another time or tomorrow since I have all this free time now.

Am I disappointed? Yes.  Am I kinda glad I don’t work with those bitchy co-workers, his cunt of a wife and grasping at straws to keep myself busy because no one there really gives a shit about that place in the end? Absofuckinglutely! 

I’ve been sending my resume EVERYWHERE and had a couple of interviews so far.  One seems pretty promising and I really want it, but I’m still acting as if that isn’t a possibility because let’s face it, you just never know.  It would require us to relocate a couple of hours, but Fireman and I already talked about places we’d move to find a better life.  We both know this area really isn’t big enough nor have many opportunities for either of us.

So as I wait the 15 day waiting period for my former employer to reject (or not, he won’t) my unemployment claim I’m just hanging out, freaking the fuck out inside, casting a very wide net inside my industry and ones close to it and waiting.

As far as drinking you ask?  It wasn’t good the second week.  The first week I was gung-ho and ready to start a new job, but by week 2 the depression kicked in.  Even right now I could go for some wine, but I chose to write instead while both the boys sleep.  Yes, my little man is out of day care right now.  I let him go the first week after I was laid off so I could do what I need to do to get back on track, but I can’t afford all that shit right now.

The drinking led to a huge fight between me and Fireman.  Hell, he instigated it. He was being a real dick as if I needed more bullshit in my life.  I suppose my stress rubbed off on him a little. Our fight was so bad that it made me call the cops to just get him away from me.   That was a bad idea.  The cop was such a dick he threatened to arrest me and send my son away and I was being nice.  So as I’ve said before, I’ll say it again, FUCK THE POLICE.  What a giant stink bag of poopy dog vomit group those mother fuckers are.  Even now when I see a cop whether I’m driving or not and am not even close to breaking a law I get nervous like they’re going to harass me and try to arrest me.

So that’s been my Murphy filled life the past 2 weeks.  Oh ya, after paying off all my debt I got a $2500 bill for my son getting tubes put in his ears and I dropped my new phone and am awaiting on a new screen to come in.

I’m bound and determined to make this all work.  I really don’t want to ask my dad for money, but I will if need be.



I am willing to forgive myself for any prior stupidity and that’s the first step.  I will feel much better if I don’t take any more steps backwards.  I think I’ve been standing still mostly.  I am asking for words of encouragement and any tips or stories you have to keep myself on a non-drinking path.

Anything, really.

Sometimes hearing things from people you already know isn’t enough.  Give me your best stuff in the comments below or email me at confessionsofasingleblonde@live.com if you want to keep anything on the down low.  No fucked up, sexual bullshit either please.

Some of you have had to have gone through what I have or currently are.



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