I haven’t had much to write about lately unless you want to hear about family outings and I’m pretty sure you don’t because that’s not fun writing material. My life has been a bit boring, but boring is good. Boring means not getting into trouble or having major drama.
I’m not going to say I’ve been perfect at not drinking but I’d say I only drink 25% of what I use to, so that’s improvement. I talk to my online sponsor every week and will go to a meeting this week as well; I just haven’t decided which day. I should go to all of them, but since they give me anxiety I’m taking baby steps. Better than no steps at all or ones in the opposite direction.
I’ve made it lately so that when I get paid I pay all my bills and buy everything I want/need so I have nothing left to spend. I have a 401k so money is being saved; I don’t just make myself totally broke. That seems to help me for right now. That and staying so busy I either don’t think about a Friday night cocktail or am too tired to give a shit. Whatever works, right?
Thursday I went to another AA meeting. I promised my online sponsor I would go to more and I stay true to my promises.
All I have to say right now about AA meetings is that they make me want to drink. They give me anxiety. They make me feel like the kid in school with no friends that tries to stay home, but is still forced to go because you “need to”.
I’m so much better one on one. I like my all ladies email group. I like my therapist. I like talking to my sponsor a couple of times a week.
I don’t know why this is other than I can be a shy person and I never feel really welcome and it seems like everyone knows each other and no one makes a real effort to meet the new person. I’ve gone to a different group each time to see if one time something would be different or someone would be different yet, I just end up feeling uncomfortable.
I’m not sure how to get over this or if I ever will.
As some of you may recall, my biological mother is a narcissistic cunt. My Omi (grandma) was the main one who took care of me and was who I considered to be my “real mom”.
It took me a long time to figure the following out, but I think I’ve got it now. My Omi knew my mom had some mental illness like depression and a narcissistic personality disorder. Partly, I’m sure, from having an alcoholic dad and part that it runs in the family. I think she felt guilty and partially responsible that my mother turned out the way she did and that’s why she moved in with us after my parents got divorced. She could see her downward spiral even though my mom was trying hard to get a good job, be successful and obtain all those things (material) that she wanted for us. She was right. As the years went by, the more selfish my mom got. She’d rather leave on business trips and act like she was such a great single mom even though my Omi did all of the work. Omi quit her job as a lab geek at the University of Chicago, a job she had for 20+ years to help us. Omi was my mentor, my hero, my best friend and advise giver.
I’m not supposed to believe that my hypochondriac, constantly needing attention, any kind of attention, always “sick or hurt”, mom killed my beloved Omi in that car accident, but I do blame her for it. It was her 3rd accident in a few years and each one was worse than the last.
Yesterday marked the 14th anniversary of Omi’s death. Today would have been her 89th birthday.
I was really depressed yesterday and I think this had a lot to do with it. Today I will try my best to keep my chin up and celebrate her life.
I’ve been meaning to tell you all a little story of a guy I use to
fuck date. I said I would write more, so here we go…
When I was 21 I got my last tattoo (I have 4 altogether) and I had this guy, Tattoo Guy, put it on for me on my right shoulder. He was newer at it, but I had seen some of his work and they looked good and so I figured, let’s do this. We liked each other, even though he had a girlfriend, and wanted an excuse for alone time. Plus, it was free. Well let me tell you, it turned out like shit! He hamburgered my skin and if you don’t know what that means, it means my skin is forever raised in that area. Even worse, I had him touch up the one on my left shoulder, but that didn’t get fucked up as badly. Needless to say, but I’ve had them both re-inked. We ended up parting ways because of that and he was too much of a pussy to leave a woman he really didn’t want to be with (that last part was an issue before the tattoo healed and realized he butchered my skin). I was young, dumb and, well, that’s it really.
Move on to me at 35. He found me on Facebook and he’s still doing tattoos. I guess he got better at that, but he most certainly not improve as a human being. I’m a stickler of the English language (I’m not perfect and I catch things on this blog sometimes that I screwed up and have to fix it) and I posted a sign one time that said, “Y can u no right? R U stooped?” because I was feeling funny that day I suppose and I was really sick of all the poor writing some of the less well-known people I had on there were doing and a few more well-known people on there that frankly annoyed me. He was one of them. He took it really personally even though it wasn’t about him directly and made a purposeful, poorly written post. So I deleted him. He tried to re-friend me, but I wanted nothing to do with him. He constantly posted his relationship issues and was just one of those, “everything is wonderful” or “everything sucks” bipolar, drama filled, posters.
He tried to add me as a LinkedIn connection a few weeks later, but I passed on that too. Rejection hurts, huh buddy?
The desperation of some people is just palpable.
Jim Jefferies (Australian Comedian) said, “You can not change the second amendment. I am like yes you can. It is called an amendment. If you can’t change something called an amendment… See, many of you need a thesaurus. If you don’t know what a thesaurus, get a dictionary and work your way forward. Don’t think your constitution is set in stone. You have changed things before. You used to have prohibition in there. Right? Then people were like ‘hey who likes getting fucked up? I like getting fucked up too. Let’s get that one out.’ You used to have this other thing in America called slavery.”
Fireman decided to go through unmarked CD’s we have and I’m currently on pins and needles. Luckily, so far, its been pretty innocent, but there was one of New Year’s with an ex and I had an anxiety attack and made him eject (the CD that is) immediately because I feared the unknown.
Why didn’t I just keep that shit on my computer?!?!
I should add that they’re not all mine. We have no idea who’s who’s and what’s on any of them. #Trust
Let me preface this post by saying that ignorant, hate filed, derogatory, defamatory, idiotic comments will not only not see the light of day on here, it will affect me none! Your name will not be remembered. Your comment won’t be read past the first few words, so forget about it. Intellectual conversation and having a normal, non argumentative conversation is perfectly fine and accepted. I suggest you read the entire thing too before you react. Twice if you need to make sure you understand. Ok trolls? Let’s go….
Did you know that there are approximately 20 different major religions in the world, many more less-major religions and around 34,000 separate Christian groups? That’s pretty diverse and a lot of different view points. And luckily, in the U.S. we’re
supposed to be free to practice and believe whatever faith we choose if we choose to practice at all. So, for one group of people to impose their beliefs on an entire nation and to try to make them follow laws that go along with that belief and the “Best selling novel of all time”, a book that has been rewritten several times, is scary and creepy, if you ask me.
How would those people like it if people of the Islamic faith, the second most popular religion in the world followed by Hinduism, Buddhism, Atheists and Sikhism, did what this group of Christians (I am not categorizing all Christians in this group, by the way, because there are millions of Christians out there who believe in marriage equality and many other things, even the Pope) is trying to do to the rest of the nation? They would not like it one bit and it would be really ugly and they’d probably start a war over it. In fact, religion has a lot to do with why we’re involved with I.S.I.S. right now. Look at what those people are doing to people who don’t follow their same beliefs. They’re murdering people, taking over cities, taking education away from women…..and trying to make their entire country follow them if not by choice, by force. Don’t get me wrong, they’re WAY more extreme than what’s going on here, but the idea of it is not much different to me. I think that certain group of people should think of it that way. How would you like it if a religion that you did not believe in wanted to make laws that take some of your civil liberties and civil rights away? To take away certain medical procedures because they didn’t agree with it? You wouldn’t want me to force my views on you or make a law that says men and women can’t marry each other, would you? Or say that if you couldn’t get pregnant on your own, any unnatural means of conceiving a child is unlawful, would you? You definitely don’t want I.S.I.S. to come here and force their B.S. on us and do what they’re doing over seas in America. So you shouldn’t do anything in close relation to your own country. I don’t care what you believe in; that’s your prerogative and if it makes you happy, excellent. If you don’t agree with someone, that’s perfectly fine and you have every right not to agree with it, but don’t force your views and make it a law. I certainly don’t agree with the GOP or tea party goers (obviously), but I’m not going to sit there and argue with them and say hey, “This is what I believe and now you have to follow laws that go along with my beliefs because this book I read says so. And if you don’t like it you could get arrested or be denied certain rights.” If you feel so strongly about it, don’t marry a gay couple or perform an abortion, or whatever, but there should be someone who will allow those things right down the road and not be persecuted for it. You cannot just take those things away completely from everyone.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: There’s a reason for separation between church and state for a very good reason. Not everyone believes the same things and that is why we have a group of people from different backgrounds to make those decisions. Decisions based on the good of EVERYONE. One specific religious group has no right to tell others how to live nor take away their ability to marry some that they love and make that commitment or take away anything else from them for that matter. So if 2 people, be it a man and woman, 2 men, 2 women, a black person and white person, a mixed race person and a Latino person, or whatever combination of consenting adults you can think of want to be in a legally binding commitment together they should be able to do so. And certain
Fox News people want to now ask, is Polygamy going to be next? Well in my opinion, if a group of people (as fucked up as I may view it) want to marry each other, so be it. If it makes you happy, fine. Be a giant dysfunctional family. As long as it’s between humans and consenting adults, I’m OK with it. It has no bearing on my life whatsoever as long as they don’t try to force me to live and believe the same way as them.
FREEDOM, the power or right to act, speak, or think as one wants without hindrance or restraint. The absence of necessity, coercion, or constraint in choice or action. Liberation from slavery or restraint or from the power of another. (Note: there’s nothing in the definition of freedom that says you can only marry who a government says you can marry or can only live by a Bible that you may not follow or believe in.)
And that’s my opinion for today.
I know you said you, “didn’t want any lectures”, but tough shit! Is the taste of your own medicine a bit bitter? Or like really salty cum? Because it should. You’re a martyr. You’re the poster child of hypocrisy.
You’ve made money spouting off abstinence to young people. You said that after having your son that you would abstain from sex again until marriage. You would have covered your lie had your recent relationship not fallen apart. Luckily, karmic retribution won again as that bitch always does. I’ll refrain from giving you hell for dating and committing adultery with a married man, as it appears you didn’t know he was married. So I’ll spare you that. He’s an asshole and I’ll give you that. But you have to see the irony in all of this. You should also probably start dating different men.
But let’s keep going with all the hypocrisy, because, damn girl. You fucked up really bad, got caught and basically everything you’ve been spouting off for years is a complete lie and everyone knows it. No one will ever listen to your opinion ever again. No one will ever trust you again. Not in the public eye anyway. I seriously can’t wait to hear what your mom says about of all of this. I would have LOVED to be a fly on the wall when she found out. Perhaps you should keep your mouth shut? Perhaps you should stop with all the judgmental bullshit? Perhaps you should think of opening your mind up just a smidge? No one is perfect and we all make mistakes, but blatantly going out and doing the exact opposite of what you tell the world you “believe” is insanity. Clearly you don’t believe anything you’ve been saying or think for some magical reason you’re exempt.
No one sounds more depressed to be pregnant than you and I feel sorry for you.
I will say this: Nothing that has happened to you didn’t already happen to millions of other women before, so you’re not alone. It’s just that the majority didn’t tell a nation to stay abstinent like you did. That’s the problem. And I know you know this.
Good luck and consider therapy.
P.S. I just heard you deleted your sad blog post and replaced it with one saying you planned it. Well now we all know how your mom found out you got knocked up and how she told you to handle the situation. You’re not fooling anyone! Congratulations, you can add pathological liar to your ever growing list of “fine” qualities.
So, every now and again I go to a MeetUp.com thing to meet new people and possibly make a friend with similar interests. Today I did a group walk what-have-you at a park. It was nice to get out and talk to people and get some much-needed exercise. Then, at the end of it, the one small group of people who new each other were talking and one girl (I say girl because after this comment I didn’t view her as a woman anymore) said to a 2 year old girl, “Uncle ‘So And So’ is gay, isn’t he? Say ‘Uncle So And So’ is gay! We love our uncle So And So, but we like to make fun of him and get her to say he’s gay.” Wait, what? Did she really just say that? Did she really just teach an innocent child, who was born with no prejudice or hate in her (because that shit is taught), to call someone a derogatory name for fun? What. The. Fuck. I honestly didn’t know what to say. These were highly educated people too, not some thugs. I was essentially the stranger in the group that was left and I didn’t want to start an argument, especially in front of children, so I politely excused myself and took my son to the playground. The mother and little girl went too and the rest kept walking. I didn’t say anything to her either. Maybe I should have? Then again If she’s OK with her child growing up to learn that it’s alright, and simply a social norm, to make fun of people like that, that’s her prerogative I guess. I wouldn’t want anyone telling me how to raise my child, so I won’t crack that egg open on her. I’ll just keep raising a respectful man and go about my business.
But, honestly, what’s the best way to react to a situation like that? I really don’t know. Now if I saw her actually saying something like that to someone and was literally putting someone down I’d be inclined to help stand up for that person, but this was different. Part of me wanted to ask, “Would you teach her to ‘jokingly’ call him the n-word? I doubt it. So why would you teach her to call him gay? There’s not much difference if you ask me.”
Just like with a toddler, I guess you just have to choose your battles.